PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS!!

So, Matt, I’m sure you realized by now that those weren’t performance-enhancing drugs, I injected you with. Indeed, you’re going to find it impossible to play on the men’s basketball team ever again. You see, our schools rival has paid me a lot of money to make sure you missed the rest of the season. And to sweeten the deal, they allowed me to create my perfect girlfriend. I must say you look fantastic now and I can’t wait to make you my wife. You will be stuck as Mia forever so maybe get used to it or not…I don’t really care.

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