“Okay, play it cool, mate. I think those two guys over there are looking at us. They might come over. Just be prepared, ’cause we might get some free drinks from them. But only if we act convincingly as a couple of girls, so don’t screw up. I’m telling you, this could be an epic night to remember for the rest of our lives. “All drinks, all for free,” Simon said to me as he leaned in close. “Like, I’ve had so many drinks already. Like, I’m at double digits, now It’s crazy. Just laugh at their stupid jokes and flirt a little with them, and they’ll buy you the most expensive stuff here.” “Well, if you want to know, I have gotten no drinks. I’m just sitting here, dressed as a girl, and I’m fucking humiliated. I don’t know how you can act so damn cool about it, Simon.
Aren’t you, like, super embarrassed?'” I said, trying to hide my bitterness at being offered no drinks.No drinks? Really?” Simon said. “But I’ve gotten so many! Why hasn’t any guy bought you any drinks?” “Because, stupid, I’m not pretty like you,” I said. “All the guys just wanna fuck you, but I’m your butt-ugly friend that can’t get laid even if I was the only girl here.”Hey, dude… this is all about the drinks,” Simon said, trying to sound sober. “Like, you don’t have to be mad at me for being, ugh, ‘pretty.” “Oh yeah? lf it’s just about the drinks, then why did you spend like an hour making out with that tall bearded guy earlier?” I growled at Simon. “He was practically fingering you! He bought me like three drinks!” Simon said. “What was I supposed to do? And besides, you’re ruining the mood. This is gonna be an epic night, and don’t act like such a girl. Man up and let go. Just follow my lead, and I’ll show you how to manipulate these dorks into buying you all the drinks!” Jeez, Simon…” I sighed. “You’re such a girl.”