It’s hard to explain it. It’s not as if I go into some autopilot mode whenever “she” takes over. It’s not as if I loose all control or become completely oblivious to the things that I do. It’s my attitude that changes; my feelings and my wishes. When I become “her,”and she takes command of my mind, I am still me. Just a different kind of me. It’s like being drunk… though, at the same time I feel entirely sober. It’s not that my senses are dulled, but rather redirected. Suddenly all of the feelings that I had before become replaced, and I start feeling submissive and soft. Like, I would never have voluntarily looked at another man’s body before, but when I am her I find the sight of his body more arousing than anything in the world. I feel pride knowing that I caused that. I don’t have to be forced to act seductive around him. I want to act seductive around him.He, my supposed “boyfriend,” says that I always wanted to become her. That being her was the very purpose of my existence. Clearly, this kind of hypnotism wouldn’t work on any other man. Any man who is even slightly proud of his own manhood could resist his mental control. But I was weak, and my manhood was so trivial that it wasn’t a challenge for him to make me his feminised girlfriend. I worry that all of what he says about me is true.It has happened before that my conditioning starts failing. I look at our apartment, and I start feeling like a stranger. I look at my feminised figure and I start feeling trapped. And it all feels so alien. I know that it is during these moments that I should run towards the door and make my escape. It doesn’t matter what I am wearing at the moment, I should just flee his trap.
If I am caught walking the streets, confused and naked without any cash on me, it would still be less humiliating than what I have to put up with in this cursed apartment.But… I never feel brave enough to actually do it.So I sit down and rest, wait for these feelings to pass and for me to go back to being his obedient girl.But this time I felt restless. I felt angry and frustrated, because I wanted to be seen. I didn’t want to be ignored, and I had to tell him how I felt. I needed to see his face when I told him that he didn’t have any right to play with my mind like this. I was my own man, and I wasn’t going to be his good girl no more! As I got close to his personal study, the room that I am generally not allowed in, I felt those feelings evaporate. I had to put my hand against the wall as I suddenly felt dizzy.I became worried that I might fall straight on the floor in front of him. When I saw him put aside his paperwork to look at me, I briefly, just for a few seconds, fought the desire to smile. But then I smiled.”Hi!” I said.My boyfriend looked at me like as if he could tell what was going on inside my head.He didn’t seem angry or disappointed, but rather he looked pleased. It was like heaven seeing him, and I couldn’t help but stare. Suddenly, a thought came over me.Could it be that the reason why I feel so ill when my conditioning fails is because I worry that I may stop loving him? In fact, I must have known that the conditioning would kick back in when I saw him. Maybe that is what I wanted, to be saved from being a man again.