I know that saying that I was curious doesn’t really begin to explain it. Clarifying that I was lonely, too, might go a little further, but it is also not the entire story. I was frankly excited at the thought of transforming myself. I find myself becoming hornier and hornier, and in the end I had to do it. Getting a man to think of me as a woman, complete with a vagina, tits and a womb. To completely fool him into doing whatever I asked him to do. To have that power… something I lost many years ago.Ever since my wife died I’ve felt so powerless. So inert. Like I was made into a eunuch. She had always been so very bossy and demanding, but I loved her for it.She was an ‘alpha woman.’I was a beta male. She had the career, and I stayed at home. She was the instigator of anything we did together, and I simply did whatever she told me to do. She naturally stayed on top. I wouldn’t exactly say that she was a domme. I didn’t have any interest in being submissive before I met her. Even when we were together, we never saw it that way. We were mostly just a regular vanilla couple. Sure, I was the one doing all the domestic tasks, but in our modern world no-one questions it when a husband does all of the cleaning. Whoever makes the most money gets to be the one getting the impressive career, the other one gets to take care of the house.I found joy in that.I liked our arrangement. But then it ended as she died suddenly in a car crash. I was devastated, and it took me years to even start to think about getting past my grief. I still feel like crying any time I think about her. But it also made me realise how hard it was for me to take charge without her explicitly telling me what to do.
Now I had to start earning money on my own l found it hard. I wanted to give up several times. But one day I discovered that if I tried to channel the spirit of my wife, if I tried to think like she did, then I could make it easier for myself. I found myself becoming more assertive, more aggressive and by far more successful when acting like her. Despite being aged forty, and staring from square one, I’m still managing to make a career for myself.But the more I channelled the spirit of my dead wife, the more I felt like I wanted to be my wife. Not just mentally, but also physically. I saw her eyes in my eyes. We had always been about the same size, and my mind began to wonder when I saw her clothes that she had left behind. I hadn’t dared to throw them out. I wondered if they would fit me? I found myself even more self-assured and dominant while dressed up as her.Wearing make-up felt like wearing armour, and I could charge into any situation while being her. I began showing up at work wearing dresses, and no-one seemed to think it was strange. It was like as if they respected me too much to even question it. People began calling me ma’am, and soon my male life got left behind in the dust.I wanted to fill out my bras, so I had to start taking estrogen. I got excited at the thought of being like her. Like I brought her back to life this way.But I still lived on my own, and I couldn’t stand it. But now living life as a woman,I knew that i couldn’t be a lesbian. My wife wasn’t a lesbian, so I knew that l couldn’t be one. I had to be a straight woman, just like she had been. But, I also realised that I had to be a domme. My wife may never have made it official, but I would. I signed on to a BDSM dating site as a dominant female. I didn’t even mention that I had been born a man. For as far as I was concerned, it was the husband that had died, not the wife.