When the body suit came in the mail I was so excited to put it on that I forgot to read the instructions. There was a special gel that was supposed to cover my body with to act as a conductant. Since l used the suit without it, it’s bonded to m? skin. I called the 800 number on the back of the box and they said they could have someone out as early as next month. Apparently, a lot of guys are doing the same thing so there’s a backlog. Too bad my roommate came back from his trip early. Now he’s got the remote control and is making me do things that… okay, they’re fun, but I shouldn’t be enjoying this so much. I have to stop now or I don’t think I’ll be able to. So, if you see this message, please send help to… Oh, hey, James. No, was just taking a picture for my Facebook account.

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“Bobby! Bobby Darling, where are you? Oh there you are, sugar plum! What are you doing in here all by yourself, honey? We’ve got an appointment to go to.

“I’m not talking to you, Mother.”

“Why not, dear? What did I do wrong this time?”

“What’s wrong? I LOOK LIKE A FREAKING GIRL! THAT’S what’s wrong!”

“But sweetie, I thought that’s what you wanted. Did you not say that Shelley entered you in a womanless fashion show at the country club? And did you not ask me to help you pull it off?”

“Yes, but it was just supposed to be a weekend lark for charity, not some kind of life-changing event!”

“Oh, I think I see. You mean I went a little too far with your eyebrows, and the body waxing, and your hairstyle. I’m so sorry, sweetie. I just didn’t want you to look awkward and conspicuous while you were modeling all those pretty clothes. Besides, your little girlfriend has been along every step of the way, so it’s not like she going to think you’re gay or anything.”

That’s not what I’m talking about, Mother, and you know it! Just look at my BUTT! Shelley just called, and I made her tell me what’s REALLY in those new ‘vitamins’ you’ve been giving me for the last month!”

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